Meat Box

We have had lots of distractions lately. Lots of visitors, and after school activities. I relish in the business, without I think I would go crazy! It's been so healing and great to see friends from long ago, to have family here to visit, and to see my kids enjoying life in the new normal.

I have one child not doing so well these days. I guess we were fools to think that our kids would get through this grief without setbacks. We're praying like mad, and hoping God opens the floodgates and showers goodness down on this blessed kid!

I try to talk to my kids about good memories of grandpa. One such memory came up- I call it the meat box. I'll give a little background: You see, I was living on my own, at age 17, with my boyfriend. I was a strict vegetarian, and by that, I mean that I was the person shouting "Meat is Murder!!" in the hallway at school, the one boycotting Proctor and Gamble for their horrible practice of testing on animals. Passing out fliers to educate anyone who would listen, and working at Pizza Hut, gagging anytime a person ordered pepperoni or sausage.

It was winter, Christmas to be exact, and I was thrilled when the UPS man knocked on my door to deliver a giant brown box. I was baffled as to who would have sent me such an enormous and heavy box. The return label had only a company name I didn't recognize. Of course, I tore into the mystery package as quickly as I could! Cutting through the tape, pulling out the packing paper. The box was very cold, but I didn't think anything of it as it was just as frigid in Northern Utah in the winter. What I saw next mortified me- a headless, featherless turkey peeked out. 2 packages of bacon (which translated into dead pigs for me). A huge sausage roll. Various forms of meat, meat and more meat! I was flabbergasted. Who would have sent such an awful thing to me? I hunted until I found a form. Typed at the bottom of the order, it said "Merry Christmas! I love you-Dad".

I was so speechless and so angry. I wanted to take and throw it all away- dump it in the road and run it over (instead I think we gave it all away to various friends to consume.) When I spoke to him later to thank him, I asked why he sent something that I saw as so offensive, his response? I needed to eat more (and better) and he loved smoked turkey so he thought I would too. (See picture above as evidence for his case against my poor lifestyle- this was taken shortly after my meat box arrived.)

Many times in life we just want people to get us. Misunderstandings cause monumental damage in the relationships of our lives. We want to be known, and to know. We want others to care about us and what we care about. It's the way we were created- for relationship. I regret allowing too many misunderstanding hurt me and in turn hurt my relationship with my dad.

"If God is in the throne of our hearts and in control of our lives, then all our human relationships will be positively affected.... instead of looking at our relationships for what we can take from others, we will begin to see relationships in light of what we can give. Finding our own deepest need met in our relationship with God, we will be free to be used by Him to meet the needs in others." -Eddie Rasnake, Author of the following God series

3 Month mark

It has now been 3 months since my father died. It doesn't seem like a big number, but the reality is that it seems like a lifetime ago. Our family was struck with a 2nd tragedy with the death of my husband's aunt a couple of weeks ago. Talk about a rough summer. She passed away after a year long battle with pancreatic cancer. She left behind a family who loves her, people who's lives she invested heavily in, and some very young grand children. Her funeral was awesome, she loved Jesus and spent her life giving Him glory, and her memorial was no different.
I know God didn't allow both of these deaths by chance, both so different yet the grief has so many similarities.... and both deaths have something to teach my kids. It doesn't make either one of these losses hurt less. I couldn't help by wonder why God has now allowed my husband, to grieve a loss at the same time that I am hurting.

I have noticed that every month, right around the 23rd, I become very emotional. Most times I haven't even mentally known the date, but my heart must know, and with each passing month my loss becomes more and more real. We had family visiting us at the 3 month mark, and boy did it make a difference! It was great for me to be surrounded by people when this hard day came and went. I had other things to laugh and smile about, and was again reminded that God has placed people in our lives who do love us.

A cousin, mourning his dear mama, made the statement "Everything around reminds me of her. I think of her every second of everyday." It's strange how the loss of someone you love brings so many parts of your life that they touched, to the surface. Like abrasive sandpaper, the memories come out and start sanding down, leaving only the dust of dried tears behind. It's also amazing to me how much my mind has attempted to lesson the blow. Just the other day the movie Cannonball Run was on Tv, everyone was enjoying it, I remembered how much my dad liked it (and movies with similar humor), and for a split second, the thought came that I needed to call and talk to him about it. It would be a pleasant conversation! Reality quickly smacked my in the forehead: there would be no phone call, no discussion on the humor of this show, my dad is gone.

My grief is lessened a bit when I can hold on to this truth: If we allow, God can "cut and dress" us, allowing nothing to be wasted that happens in our lives, but using everything for the glory of the God who loves us beyond our comprehension. Do I trust Him?

1Peter 1:6-7 "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor, at the revelation of Jesus Christ."