I woke up this morning choking back tears. It seems the heavens are weeping with me today as the sky is shrouded in dark, grey clouds. The heavy, wet drops continue never ending- just like they won't stop coming from my eyes. Yes, I think perhaps God weeps with me today.
My dad had carefully arranged things on his messy computer desk. Intentionally making sure all would see that letter scribbled in such anger and hopelessness. The will. The glasses. All taking up residence next to his mousepad and moniter... sitting silently until someone made the discovery of what he had done. Right on top of that stack of paper and clutter, lay the card.
The smiling, happy birthday card written with love yet some reservation, by us, just the month before his angry last grip on that gun. My dad had been changed for months before his death. He had given up on life. He had pushed me away. I didn't understand it then, but now I do. People who take their own life sometimes unconsciously push their loved ones away in an effort to shield them from the pain of what lays ahead.
I had indeed pulled away from our relationship as a result. After trying to reason with him about his enraged look on life, I too had given up. He wasn't going to change. All I could do was slowly pull back and love him the best I knew how.
The birthday card was my last correspondence to him. It represented the last thing I got to say, and he had put it out for me to see. The kids and I had wrote blessing to him. Reminded him of our love, and how much we missed him. But that's all I did. I didn't call, a statement that my dad had made to his brother. I didn't ever call.
3 years later, the card.... no, the birthday, has left me with my head hung low in guilt. Tears welling in my eyes, my heart aching. Why didn't I just make the stupid call? Every year I'm left pondering over and over in my mind the would- have's and could- have's if I had just lowered my pride and called. Maybe if I had made more of an effort he would have understood that he was loved, cherished and needed. Maybe he would have thought twice before allowing that darkness to close in on his mind.
I'll never know. But today, I weep. God weeps. And I try to break free from the guilt card that still has it's hold on me.
No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14
