7 months have passed

Today marks 7 months since my dad decided to leave this life. My posts have become more infrequent, and there are several reasons for that.

First an update on how I've been feeling: These past few months have had some really great patches along with some rough spots.

I'll be walking along, thinking that things are getting better, that I'm fine, and wham! Out of the blue this deep, deep sadness and mourning hits me. The tears come and they don't stop. The worst part of this is that my mind starts racing at the same time. All the "what if's" and "why didn't I.." come back to haunt me. Then I get blind-sided by the "why weren't we good enough", and "why didn't he see that he would be missing all of this?"

The last 2 months many of our birthday's have passed. Their is a void there left by my dad that just won't be filled by anyone but God himself.The kids have felt a bit of sadness not getting the phone call, the card from their grandpa Dale. I mourn for them and their loss. I mourn for my dad who didn't see them as important enough to live. I mourn for the lies he believed from the evil one that he wasn't needed. I mourn for all that he is missing seeing them grow up. I mourn for all the opportunities missed. As kids, they don't even really know how to articulate their grief, their feelings, they can only sense the hole that has been left behind.

I can say that the days between breakdowns are getting farther apart and my cry sessions themselves are getting shorter. I can feel God slowly stitching up my heart. Poking the needle under my skin hurts! But then the Great Physician pulls the thread through and before long I can see a neat row of threads weaved over and under... pulling my brokenness together again. Making me new, renewed!

I'm ever thankful for my Abba Father. The richness of relying on Him in all new ways, pouring out my sorrowful heart to him when I am weak, and the joy of being filled right in the midst of my distress is something I cannot describe with words.

I cannot tell you how many times I have thanked God for Himself, and for giving me a hope and a future, and I can honestly say that having to walk through this unplanned circumstance has been made good only in God. Only in His goodness.

God is all mercy and grace- not quick to anger, is rich in love.

God is good to one and all. Everything he does is suffused with grace.

Creation and creatures applaud you God, your holy people bless you.

They talk about the glories of your rule, they exclaim over your splendor,

letting your world know of your power for good, the lavish splendor of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is a kingdom eternal, you never get voted out of office.

God always does what he says, and is gracious in everything he does.

God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those ready to quit.

Psalm 145:8-14 The Message