Father's Day minus you

Today is the first Father's Day without you. It's weird not having you to E-mail, to talk to, or to send a card to.

When I woke up this morning, one thing was stuck in my head: That first moment I walked into your home after your death. You had purposely left several things on your desk before you walked out onto the porch to end your life... only 3 days after Father's Day. One of the things that I found (and the police left) was our Father's Day card to you. I've agonized over your last moves for nearly a year now, and this card has remained a mystery that is seeded in the depths of my heart... I wish I knew what your purpose was for leaving it.

Your grandkids had written endearing notes and drawn amazing pictures (I'm a bit partial of course), and I had poured out my heart and my profound love for you in it. I hope that you read it and allowed it to sink into your heart. I can only wonder if you had it out there as a reminder of how much you were leaving behind?

Since it has been nearly a year since that dreadful day, I decided that I've dawdled long enough and it was time to go through your things. Your life (or what's left of it) has been encased in cardboard sitting on the shelves of my basement. I really had to push myself to pull the first box down and set it on the floor. Everything in me wanted to push pause, to rewind, to put the cardboard back on the shelf and leave it for another day. My heart wanted to put it back, but my mind knew I needed to push on.

As I peeled back the first 2 pieces of the box, I got a whiff of a familiar smell that literally knocked me to my knees and left me sobbing. The smell was you. One of a kind, and followed you everywhere. A mixture of pungent leather, sweat, tobacco and grease from your motorcycles. This box was filled with it, with you. Nearly 1/2 hr of deep weeping passed before I decided I could go on, and slowly I began lifting my memories out one by one. The old metal cigarette sign you hung in your living room and called "art". The sleeveless jean vest that you had worn since before I was born and never washed.... so fragile now. The bag of leathers from your long explorations across the country on your 2 wheeled friend, Harley.

It didn't take me long to realize once again that this stuff is all I have left of you, and I simply can't let it go yet, as I feel like to do so would be to let go of you.

One at a time the kids heard the deep breaths and "silent" sobs and came to join me by the box. I enjoyed the comforting hugs they gave and assured them I was Ok despite the running nose and tears that stained my face. The kids mentioned how it smelled just like you and we went through your things together for a while. They each picked out a few things they would like to use. Sabian grabbed out your favorite ball cap. So sweat stained and gross, yet dare we wash it?

They found a cool temporary tattoo (and we all had a good laugh as we presented our theory for why you had the need for one of these in the first place?!) One was already used from the pack, so we decided it made sense that you probably stuck it to your forehead as a joke to your friends.

At the end of the day, I piled most your things back into the box, slowly took one more deep breath as I inhaled the smells and memory of you, closed the lid and carefully placed this box back onto the shelf.

Dad, I wish that you were here today to share our lives with us. I wish I didn't have to obsess over your things, and read your letters to me looking for answers. I wish last Father's Day you had allowed our love to penetrate your heart. I wish that you hadn't pulled that trigger. But you did, so we are learning to live with joy again, to smile at our memories instead of cry, and to appreciate those who are in our lives today since we never know if there will be a tomorrow.

My day today was made fantastic through a phone call to my other dad. Never have I appreciated being able to call and talk to him more!

Let love be genuine. Abor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:9-10