Fear not

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable,impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -CS Lewis

God has been really working on my heart the last week. And when I mean working, I want you to understand that I am not picturing a man sitting at a desk, punching buttons on a computer and having the occasional phone call with a co-worker. I'm talking the really hard labor kind of work. The type of work that calls out the bulldozer, the backhoe, the dump truck, the crane and the ditch-digger.

All of the above mentioned machines are good for demolition and rebuilding. So many things in my heart were brought to the surface by my dad's suicide. The guilt, the anger, the sadness, but most of all the abandonment. My heart was shattered by this event... and worse than that, my dad wanted my heart to be shattered.

The way I saw it, I only had two choices. I could allow my emotions to overwhelm and consume me (some days they most certainly do) or, I can let God have all my pain, my hurt, my disappointment and my guilt. It's not easy to hand this stuff over, it is more like a complete demolition.

I tell Him I don't want any of it anymore, He serves as the contractor boss-man, and calls in the bulldozer to knock down the walls built up in my heart. He calls on the backhoe to make sure the soil has been dug deep and the roots of any hurts are pulled completely up. After carefully inspecting (the way any good boss-man would) to make sure that the demolition is complete, he orders all of the torn down, worn out, angry, old pieces of twisted metal, heavy brick, and old cement, into the back of a dump truck. This truck is headed on a one way trip. It will leave all of the broken pieces of my life, at the dump where they belong.

Next, the Boss-man calls in the re-building team. The steamroller is called in to level and flatten the ground, He needs to make certain it is done properly so that the foundation can be firm. Next, the cement truck, to lay the foundation. After that ,the crane, to set into place all the walls- properly. They must be straight and solid. The old walls were brick, built to protect and hide the hurt inside, but these new walls are made of shiny, clear, unblemished glass- there is no hiding anything behind these new walls. the roof, the paint and the final touches- voila! A brand-new solid building standing on the same old ground.

Just like a building cannot be built in one day, this work God is doing in my heart will be a long process. It has begun, and as long as I step back and allow the Boss-man to call the shots, I will make it through this a new and different person.. much better than before.

This week, I have had to battle fear. Will I become like my dad was? Is it in my genes? Will I battle the same demons that my dad battled, and in the end believed? Will I be sad forever? Can I deal with this much pain without going completely crazy? Can I ever just have a "normal" life? Will "it" hit me when I get older? Will I become hard and calloused? Will I hate my children too?

God tells us to "fear not" over and over again in the Bible. Even if I take this at only face value it is clear that God doesn't call us to fear- anything- at all.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Is. 41:13

You came near me when I called you, and you said "Do not fear." Lam. 3:57

For me, it is clear, I must allow God to demolish first the fear and to listen to His truths about my fears. "Fear not, you are mine, and while you can't change the circumstances, you can allow me to change YOU."