Hope Again

It's a sunny day here, and I am sitting outside watching my kids play on the trampoline,with water. The normal pounce is amplified when wet, and it has the added bonus of becoming like a slip and slide. Their squeals delight me, their laughter brings a smile to my face, their joy heals my heart.

" A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up bones" Proverbs 17:22

The weeks have gone by somewhat quickly, and although it seems like just yesterday since I got word of my father's death, it also seems like a lifetime ago. I have been on an emotional roller coaster- not knowing what is around the next turn, how it will turn my stomach, make me cry, or terrify, or anger me.

God has really worked in me this last week. I came to the place where my grief threatened to eat me up alive. I was angry, broken, full of sorrow. It was here in this place, that I decided that I could allow my father and his actions to rule my life: to bring heartbreak to my family, disrupt my children's lives, bring fear to my heart.... or I could hand it ALL over to the Lord to heal, and not allow it to rule over me. It was his decision after all. I'm still living!

This is much easier said than done. One runs the risk of "stuffing it", casting out all the memories, emotions associated with the lost person. It is a fine and sometimes blurry line that I walk between allowing God to have it, and pretending it isn't happening to me.

But, I can tell you, God is the Great Physician. He does heal. Handing it over to Him has been a daily thing on my part, sometimes hourly, sometimes every minute, but He is all about healing!

I've found reasons to be glad! My step-dad and his family came to stay with us. How healing for my heart to get a hug from the man I called my dad my whole life. To know that God hasn't abandoned me and neither has this man, who really has no "blood" tie at all.

I've found myself feeling glad that I get the blessing of having children. That God has entrusted me to raise them, and as such, I get to see life through their sweet eyes.

I've looked at the flowers, newly planted in my yard, and seen the beauty of their color, in hues of pinks, oranges, and yellows.Enjoyed the excitement of the butterflies that dance around them on a clear day.

All of these feelings seemed lost just a month ago. Swallowed up by the word "suicide". But hope has come, and I am beginning to return to normal. God has given me joy and happiness in aspects of my life apart from my grief. Life can, will and does go on... and it is not empty.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life." Proverbs 13:12