It's been a while since I last posted on this blog. My dad has now been gone for 1 1/2 yrs. Sometimes, it seems like a lifetime ago, and other days the grief creeps up on me as if it were yesterday.
Memories aren't fading, and we are working to keep a legacy alive of grandpa in our home. I desire my kids to have reflection on their grandpa for more than how he died... but unfortunately, that is legacy he left on our family... and was has been burned into our hearts and our minds.
It's impossible for anyone to talk or reminisce about him without having his suicide come into the mind and the conversation- got to love kid's unedited words!
There's a new movie out, and I'm not going to lie, it's a little bit of a B film but the message it proclaims loud and clear is that we DO leave a legacy on our children and our children's children- for generations, be it good or bad.
Recently, because of the film and study, I've had to reflect on the legacy that was left to me. It's something that I can't ignore, or pretend it hasn't impacted us. Clearly, it has.
My dad left a legacy much like that of his father before him. My grandpa was grumpy. He had a hard time showing his love. He often allowed his mouth to say thins that would cut to the heart.
My dad never liked those attributes in his own father, and he worked as hard as he could to be a better dad to me than what his dad was to him. However, much of that unflattering legacy was still imparted in his parenting. My grandpa and father also left some positive legacy's. My dad was passionate. Whatever he did he did with gusto. He was stubborn. Coming out in me that can be both good and bad :) He was a hard worker. And he loved what he did.
I'm thankful that God has started anew with me, and although I am not a perfect parent by any means, I know God has broken several unhealthy cycles in my family. (And I'm a work still in progress- He's busily wiping away, gently polishing me like a piece of old brass.)
His suicide left a dent. That's true. In all of us. My kids know the pain it has caused, and like to use that to hurt. The phrase "Maybe I'll just kill myself" slips from tiny tongues in an effort to cut to the bone... and it works. I'd lie if I said I wasn't afraid of my dad's life (and therein his death) to influence our lives without allowing it to dictate.
I know that if I allow God to, He will leave a legacy bigger and better than anything I can imagine on my children, and my grandchildren.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
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