Today marks your 60th birthday. I wish you were here to celebrate it. To be honest, when I first blinked my eyes open this morning, I had thoughts of buying a party hat. Putting it on your ashes (that still sit in my home-UGH!) and singing to you. Morbid and wrong I know- but don't judge! I just felt like I needed to somehow give you the honor I didn't give when you were alive.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was overcome by tears on more than one occasion brought on by the looming date of today.
I'm sure had you died any other way, this day would still be filled with sorrow and mourning. But today, for me, I also battle the gut wrenching guilt. It's something I believe.. no, I know, that every person ever touched by suicide in anyway, deals with. It's part of the nature of healing, of losing, and of loving.
Most of the last 2 years I have sought to be free from the guilt (and the shame) of being a child of a dad who didn't want to live. Today, as I've been bogged down, deeply pondering, it occurred to me that yes- guilt is bad. It's a stronghold of unforgiveness and unforgiveness toward anyone, even ourselves, turns to bitterness and anger in our hearts. It tears us apart. Makes us feel unworthy.
However, another thought I've been contemplating is that some feelings of "guilt" can lead us to change- and are therefor, good. "Church folk" like myself call this conviction. The guilt I've worked hard to shake these past two years has indeed been unrelenting. One day I think I've mastered it. I've repented to God for my rash and wrong behavior, and the next day- SWOOSH! I'm swept away once again in heartache, wishing I could turn back the time on this clock of life. the conviction comes from reading God's words to me. Recently, God has been using 1 Peter to talk to me. In it, Peter talks a lot about what is expected of one who follows Jesus, and if I am to take an honest assessment of my life before my father's suicide, I see that I fell short in loving him as I should have.
While I'm determined to live in self-forgiveness (as I know God already worked a miracle for me on that cross so I don't have to pay a debt for my behavior and sin), I'm equally as determined to live in a new light of love.
I can't turn back the clock on what happened to my dad the day he decided to take his life. I can't be responsible for his decision, but I can move forward in my own life paying much more attention to the wounded and hurting people I meet on a daily basis. I can make enough leeway in my life to help those people who are desperate and troubled. I can bring relief and hope to someone who may really need it today. I can refuse to turn away from the suffering and I can bring encouragement instead.
So... what will I do today? Smile at the grouchy lady or man at the store? Say a kind word to the cashier who is slow and seems angry? Take a meal to someone who is sick? Get involved in an outreach to the homeless? Volunteer to watch the kids for a mommy stuck at home? Take food to people who are stuck at home and need a friend like Meals on Wheels? Choose to keep my mouth closed when I am angry or have been wronged?
Whatever it is, I just pray that everyday, I'll live it to make an impact, to love, and perhaps save a life.
Happy 60th Birthday Dad.
"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8-9
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