I have learned that I can go on living... I just need to put on a mask. I smile, joke, laugh, have conversations. My mask says "I'm fine, nothing can bring me down!" but my heart speaks a different story. At the wedding there was a traditional father/daughter dance. I left the room during this as I thought of my dad, and how he should have danced with me and cherished me as a daughter. My thoughts turned then to how incredibly blessed my daughters are with their daddy. Not a day goes by that he doesn't speak words of love to them. He makes sure they understand that they are valuable and cherished in his eyes.... what a gift God has given them! I stand totally thankful- the chain of my father, and his father before him, is broken with this man.
While I was escaping the father/daughter dance, I started thinking "Is this my life now? Will I have to wear this mask everywhere I go so people don't ask questions, so they don't see the pain? Will I spend the rest of my life running away at the things that bring sorrow to my heart? Will everything in sight remind me of myhuge, huge loss? Will I ever be normal?"
Of course, this wasn't the first time I have had to deal with questions like these. But the isolation that comes from having no one else understand can be devastating. I'm trapped, in my own mind, with my own memories, my own sorrows. I want to allow others to help me carry them, but they can't understand. I've found that since people don't know what to say they will simply avoid the topic, and not even acknowledge the huge tragedy that has just occurred in our family.
I have also had numerous sweet, wonderful friends and kind people reach out with words of empathy, encouragement, and kindness... but I still feel alone.
I've learned that feeling alone is something very normal to survivors of suicide. I feel alone most days, but I know I'm not alone. I was reading a new book the other day and the author brought up a point which left me breathless. His point was this: the God I serve is a God of emotion. Not only did he send his son to the cross, he did that so that he could identify with man. Theologian John Cavadini says that through Jesus "God actually experiences something new and knows first hand- as one of us mortals-suffering and anguish within a fallen world....In Christ, God truly enters into radical historical solidarity with human suffering."
God doesn't just know about my loss, he knows first hand. The Bible says we are created in the image of God, and the God of the Bible weeps, mourns, grieves and hurts. My emotions aren't just created in man, but instead a mirror image of my Creator!
I protect myself from fully feeling my loss, because my grief is simply overwhelming... but God can feel my grief in full force, He can handle it.
Ps 116:5 says "Our God is full of compassion", compassion means "to suffer with". God is not distant and aloof, He is present and sharing my grief. What an amazing thought that carries with it a comfort indescribable.
These thoughts gave all new meaning to my feeling of isolation. No doubt God is not only with me, but He loved my dad even more than I did, He not only knows my pain, but he feels it with me. Someone else DOES indeed understand.
I had no idea you were doing this blog. So glad to have read it though. My heart breaks a thousand times for you. And while most people will never understand, God certainly does. Absolutely. Know that you are dearly loved.
ReplyDelete--Jen
Thank you for allowing me to read your heart felt words and to get a glimpse into your heart. Please pray about a physical memorial for your father, whether it is planting a tree in his behalf, installing a stepping stone at a park, etc. I would love to contribute to that, financially. I have many bricks installed at the Hemlock Bluffs park in Cary, N.C. in the ground. There is a stepping stone to remember each of my family members who have died. I used to love going there, and remembering all of the good memories of my family members. At first it was very painful for me, but now it is such a comfort to me, because they must never be forgotten. Love, Paulette
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading this, John was reading in the One-Year Bible and said "here's a verse for Ivy". So I'm sending it to you: Psalm 27:10
ReplyDelete"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will recieve me."
He didn't know I was reading your blog. I was getting ready to write something when he said this. The Lord gave me the words, because mine are so inadequate.
I think verse 13 and 14 are also worth printing. "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
We love you and pray for you every day.
Mom and Dad Lippard