Anger and sadness

It's after dinner now, and I decided I needed to write some more. It has been a rough day. I decided that I needed to find some Christian books on the subject of survival- I already know that I need to draw near to God, but I also need to know how other's who have gone before me, made it through!

After a long morning (all days seem long now) I packed up all the kids, plugged in an address of a Christian book store to the GPS and went on my way. I had looked up a couple of titles that I was interested in.
On my way, driving down the road, for no reason at all, I was overcome with sadness and started crying. Then, I saw it: a blue Ford Falcon- 1968. My dad had one IDENTICAL to the one sitting at the side of the road. My weeping turned into anger- how could he have left me with all this pain? Why wasn't I enough to live for?

The bookstore turned out to be a trip indeed. I couldn't find anything on the specific subject of suicide, and I knew I wasn't strong enough (not on this day) to go up and ask for help. My anger still burned and now I wondered why the Christian community didn't have help for me when I felt like I was drowning?

The grocery store came next, and the kids seemed unruly. My husband came home very late from work, leaving me alone for longer in my silent grief then I wanted on this day.

After dinner, I put the kids in the bath and opened up the Word hoping to find a snippet of something to help me feel better- there it was: Ecclesiastes 3:1-3 "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build."

For nearly 3 weeks I have thought this must be a bad joke, a mistake, a dream. But God has assured me tonight, it isn't. It didn't sneak up on Him like it did me, and He is giving me permission to grieve my loss, to be angry, and to heal. I didn't ask for this, but I can be assured that Jesus is with me every step of the way wiping my tears, calming my anger and soothing my soul.