Forever Changed

It has been almost a month since my dad took his life.
Life doesn't stop just because he isn't living- and that is where I am, stuck between the world of grief and the world of the living.

I have to make the choice to live-everyday. When my eyes open to the light pouring into my room each morning, I need to decide to get out of bed. Most days I feel so exhausted, so full of sorrow, I would rather stay beneath my blankets. But there are children who need me, food to be fed, clothes to be washed, laughter to be had, so I get up.

Tears still catch me by surprise everyday when they are least expected: washing the dishes, watering the lawn, or merely driving down the road.

I can hear my dad's voice talking to me about the newest vitamin, the new cure... and I cry, knowing those conversations will never happen again. Then I see the kids, and know life has to return to "normal" for their sake, I choke back my weeping.

I thought I had been doing a good job, until tonight, when once again my 6 yr cried herself to sleep. As I tried to sweeten her heart and dry up her tears she kept saying "Things aren't the same as they were before Grandpa died. Why did he die?"

My heart broke.... for my children, so young and unable to process, yet asking the same question of why? For the kids and their innocent lives now being forever marred by the cruel reality. For me as a mom, as I struggle to keep things moving, to keep joy present in my home, and to help my children make sense of this senseless death.