Love Song

Today was a rough day. After several days in a row of looking up and forward, feeling like I can and will get through this as a whole person, I fell back into despair.

Tomorrow marks 1 month since my father's death. The days have been long, nights even longer. The tears seem ready to flow at any moment.

A neighbor set off a large firework next door tonight while I was outside. I jumped out of my skin and then started crying. It reminded me of the sound of my father's gun going off. Will the tears haunt me the rest of my life, I wondered?

Another reason I had a bad day- I had to make a phone call for an unresolved issue. I also needed to issue an apology to someone I blamed in the first days of my dad's death. The issue at hand is still unresolved, and lack of family support has made this much worse.

I've been dealing a great deal with abandonment. I already had issues. My dad and mom were divorced, and although my dad saw me when he could, I always felt abandoned by him. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. This decision to die has sent a catastrophic shockwave in my life that will be felt deep in my spirit for years to come. An earthquake of epic proportions- some of the structures hit by this were stable and could withstand, while others were already weakened by years of stormy weather and smaller shakes.

The day has left me wondering why I can't just write off my dad as he did to me? Why can't I throw all the photos away, stop talking, stop remembering..... and it dawns on me- because I loved him. I loved him with a love he didn't have to earn by being world's best daddy (he wasn't!), he didn't have to earn it with gifts or even with words of love returned. He had my love without condition- because God made him my dad.

Nicholas Wolterstorff wrote it best when he said, "Love in our world is suffering love. Some do not suffer much, though, for they do not love much. Suffering is for the loving. If I hadn't loved him, there wouldn't be the agony." He goes on to say, "I lament all that might have been, and now will never be."

Tonight I lament on all that my dad won't be. He won't be that loving father I've always dreamed of. He won't be that grandpa to sing "Puff the magic Dragon" on his guitar, tell them silly stories of long ago times, or teach them to love the world from the back of a bike seat, yet I know that my love for him will help carry me through this grief.

" I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do, I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16