Turmoil and Confusion

"Suicide carries in it's aftermath a level of confusion and devastation that is, for the most part, beyond description." -Psychologist Kay Jamison in the book Night Falls Fast

Turmoil is a word which stirs up intense feelings in everyone. Everyone has faced turmoil in their lives at one point or another. Every one's story is different, yet the turmoil that is aroused deep within us is a somewhat universal feeling.

Up to this point in my life, I have had much turmoil. A terribly dysfunctional family growing up, horrible teenage years, 2 treatment centers before I was 17 yrs old, and numerous suicide attempts myself. But this turmoil which I find myself feeling, is different. It is final. There is no remedy for the fact that my father is gone. How do I walk through and face this? This is too much! Perhaps this turmoil is also different as it effects my children... and there is nothing I can do as a parent to protect them. They must face this harsh reality themselves... and I know they too will carry this with them for the rest of their lives.

In an attempt to help my kids, I purchased several books which were delivered last week. One of them is a workbook for kids to work through their grief as suicide survivors. 2 of them are storybooks dealing with losing grandparents and heaven. As I struggled to get through reading them without a breakdown, the turmoil in my soul sought to swallow me up. I shouldn't have to be reading these books to my kids. Dad- how could you have not thought about them? I could carry this with me- but my kids? The anger and confusion have been following me everywhere this week.

Our ritual for bedtime used to be relaxing, a story, a prayer, a goodnight kiss. This routine has now changed too.
Every night when I tuck the kids into bed, I now must answer their questions: "What does it feel like to die? Will we ever get to talk to Grandpa again? Did it hurt when he shot himself? Why did he want to die? Why didn't he tell us good-bye? Will I die?

The questions are all the more heartbreaking as I struggle within myself- these very same questions keep me awake at night, and keep me from concentrating during the day. I answer them all as truthfully as I am able, and explain that God will answer our questions when we get to heaven. Questions and guilt are two of the hardest things to get past as a survivor.

Today these words from Luke 6:21 help comfort me and give me the strength I need to comfort my children; " You're blessed when you've lost it all, God's kingdom is there for the finding. You're blessed when you are ravenously hungry, then you're ready for the Messianic meal. You're blessed when the tears flow freely, joy comes with the morning." -The Message Bible