Famous author C.S. Lewis once said " If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end. If you look for comfort, you will not get either comfort or truth, only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."
Last night I had another huge breakdown.
Somedays the tears just flow. Somedays they flow on and off silently. On nights like last, the floodgates open like a dam broken, and the tears rush violently out with no mercy.
Nothing really set it off, it just happened. Unable to stop even long enough to take a breath I cried and cried.
Aaron was gone, but when he came home, he tried to comfort me with words of truth. My dad didn't know what he was doing, he didn't understand the devastation he would leave behind for me to deal with. He was blinded by his anger and bitterness. Aaron reminded me that as Jesus hung on the cross he prayed for those very people who were inflicting the worst pain imaginable on him- "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do." Luke 23:34
He told me that I could pray that same thing for my dad - he didn't know what he was doing to me.
Aaron reminded me that at some point I need to let go and forgive. If I continue in this cycle of being bitter, being so angry and hurt, I am doing no one any favors, and am instead passing along the very same thing which is eating me up inside- the hatred of my father.
As Aaron wrapped his big arms around me in comfort, I knew he was right. I do need to forgive. We hold on to anger hoping to "make them pay" for hurting us, but in reality, we aren't hurting anyone but ourselves. My dad is already gone, and me being angry at him won't do harm, but it will keep me isolated from others, it will eat me alive as I strive to hurt the one who hurt me, it will affect my children and their lives. It will ooze out of every pore in my body like a deadly acid, ready to consume anyone who comes near. I saw just that happen to my dad.
In my sorrow last night, I told Aaron this was the 2 F's- Final and F***** up (yes I just swore). He followed by telling me it was actually the 3 F's, the two stated above,with Forgiveness added.
Deep in my heart I know he is right. I have to let this go. It might mean that every hour, probably every minute sometimes, I will need to remind myself that God forgives me everyday, and I need to walk in that same way towards my dad. He didn't understand the impact that his death would have on those of us left behind.
"The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against Him"
Daniel 9:9
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